my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
whose parrot is this?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
