I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
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Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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