the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
