he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Be still, my beating vagina.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
