I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
