we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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