Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
