mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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