Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
