I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
