too bad you live with your parents still
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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