I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
