he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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