there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So much rum. So many feels.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
