his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
