i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
