need another drink. this is the easiest way
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
