Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
