i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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