I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
