I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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