She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
