The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
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