You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
