the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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