The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
