No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
