i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
