she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
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Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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