I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
