Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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