i love accidental penises.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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