i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Everclear isn't food dammit
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
