Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
