but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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