My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
