so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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