The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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