Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
