Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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