i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
