after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
