She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
