So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
ugly people sure do ruin things
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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