forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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