My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
