cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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