She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
