How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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