This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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