I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize