My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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