I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He shit in the fireplace
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
