For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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